I am right in the middle of some small experimental pieces. They are not so difficult to make, but because this is a bit of a stretch for me, my mind is the thing that is challenging me right now. I am in desperate need of some confidence. “Untitled”, 10”x 8” each, mixed media on wood. © 2020 David Limrite

“When you start working, everybody is in your studio - the past, your friends, enemies, the art world, and above all your own ideas. All are there. But as you continue painting, they start leaving, one by one. And there you are left completely alone. Then if you are lucky, even you leave.”

John Cage, Musician

Searching For Confidence

I am trying something right now with my art and I honestly have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea whether it will work or not, whether it will look good, or whether it will be successful.

Doubt, concern about whether this will be worth my time and effort, and not feeling in control are the order of the day.

I am not afraid of these pieces - just unsure.

Unsure of what each next step is.

They were looking pretty good awhile ago, then I tried something a bit risky, and now they don’t look so good again.

I remain positive and hopeful.

I am having fun with the process because that is all I have right now. I cannot focus on the end result because I have no idea what that is. I have a very rough vision in my head of what I want them to look like, but it is a very blurry vision.

I am not confident at all. In fact much of my time spent working on these is consumed with searching for any scrap of confidence I can find.

I am very interested in seeing if I can make this work. So I continue to work with both a mix of excitement and trepidation.

If this doesn’t work, will I have wasted my time, my energy, and my supplies? I am constantly grappling with this question. But if it does work, then that would be pretty great!

I want to work on them, and yet, I don’t want to work on them. Each new thing I try is a shot in the dark. I am trying not to rely, and fall back on, what I easily know how to do. But the temptation is strong to revert back to what is safe. Which would be to rely on my drawing skills. My drawing skills are my strongest asset and my safe place. Part of the challenge of these pieces is to create them without any drawing at all. Very scary for me. I am trying to create these pieces with collage and paint only.

I have to psyche myself up for each new thing I try.

I had to put my pencils away.

I am trying not to play it safe, and yet, I am pretty sure I am at times. I am trying to take risks and push myself, but I am pretty sure I am not being as risky as I could or should be.

It is hard to keep going when several things that I try, in succession, don’t work.

But I love the process of making something. I love the attempt. I love the doing.

Even though I must search for confidence.

I want to love the outcome. However, I know that should not be my focus. I know that to even possibly get to where I think I want to go, will require some dirty work and heavy lifting on my part. While being kind to myself. Especially when things are not going so well.

So, I talk myself into making my next move. I try. It looks pretty good. But, it needs something else. I am a bit scared to try what I think should happen next for fear of messing it up.

But, I know that I must not ever fear messing it up. Because if I succumb to fear, I will never give myself a chance to be successful.

I risk failure in the pursuit of success.

I trust the process.

I trust my skill, talent and intuition.

And, I make my next move.

It looks OK. But, I can do better.

The dance continues.

Best,

David